This feeling wasn't going away. I tried to shake it off, dance, listen to music, take a drive, go get coffee. That feeling continued to loom. Praying even seemed like it wasn't working.
You know, being set apart for Christ isn't easy. Actually it's really really hard. The decisions are easy. You know what you are supposed to do, and what you know you shouldn't. But your heart, which is deceitful, sinful, desiring the flesh and what it wants, says something different then your spirit, which is pure, surrendered to the will of the Father and is constantly open to whatever He wants and desires for you. Those two things are always at odds with each other.
Wrestling with God isn't easy, it's not fun and you for sure are fighting a losing battle because we all know Who is going to win. Then why do we still do it? Why do I still do it?
I haven't posted in this blog in over a year. I honestly forgot I had it. In spite of that, I always find a huge release when I can get what I'm feeling out. So here I am, pouring my heart out.
I'm mad. I'm mad at God for taking my brother at the age of 27. I'm mad that he couldn't get his life together, that he couldn't find freedom in Christ from his addictions. I'm mad that he will never see me get married, watch my kids grow up. I'm mad that I couldn't tell him how much I loved him.
I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find my way through the mucking waters of finding myself. I'm struggling to find contentment being single and waiting. I'm struggling with being confident in my ability to live out my purpose and calling that God has made me for.
I'm incredibly sad. I'm sad that people hurt, are stuck in their sin, that the amount of death by suicide and the staggering number of people that are depressed weighs my heart down like a million pound weight. I feel the darkness as I write this new show of Hope. I feel small and insignificant to be the one that God said I want you to put this together.
I feel this massive hurricane in myself that pulls me in every direction. Part of me feels like everything is falling apart but falling into place at the same time. How do you get past this? How do you find hope, joy, peace, fulfillment? I wanna trust that He knows what He is doing, but right now I'm falling apart.
The only hope I've ever found, have ever known, and continue to seek with all my heart is Jesus Christ. Just that name takes my breath away. The pain doesn't go away, the struggle is still there, and the tears don't stop flowing but I know that there is still hope, that one day the sky will not look so black and scary. That my tears will all be wiped away. I'm covered the grace and love of God Almighty. No matter how many skies fall down, I'm covered under the peace I've found. He is my shelter when there is no where else to go. No matter how many times I break, He is there to put a light inside me that shines through the cracks. I'm not hopeless, I am not forsaken, I am not abandoned.
He isn't who He says He is because I believe, I believe because He is who He says He is.
Lord, my heart hurts...and I don't understand. Grant me a peace that I can't describe. Slow my mind down and help me open my hands to you. Though I hold so tight to this life, I pray that you'd forgive me. Remind me who I am, remind me Who You Are, and wrap Your hands around me. I just need a really big God hug.
A broken girl to a mighty God. I trust You. I believe You are faithful. You are good, even when I don't understand. Not for a moment, have you ever left me.
