My Place In This World

This is me. The honest, the hard, the authentic, the imperfect me. I am pretty great. Definitely a mess most days, and yet, I am loved. I am loved by a God who would weave this incredible story into my life. A God that took a chunk of coal and is making me a diamond. Something others only wish they had. It's only when it comes to reality that they will wish they had it all, but to go through what I've been through, yeah that is a different story. 

Beautiful, wonderful is what you see when you look at me. You are the only one that knows me from the listen and has been with me since the very beginning. Thank you. Thank you for this journey that you allowed me to be a part of. I am so grateful. The journey has been crazy. 

I will be the greatest version of myself this year. I will laugh more than I ever have, I will be confident in my own skin and I will work the hardest that I ever have. I just need the strength Lord to make it through this season. 

I am actually doing it. I am leaving the familiar to pursue my own life. I have given it my life. I have given it my heart. I know that this season is done and you are calling me out. I don't know where that new place is, but I am ready to seek it out. I am going to pursue a different path and I am going to pursue a different life. The diamond life that I have known all along is where I am going. 

I don't need to explain that, or justify it to anyone. I know it's where I am going. I am know it's what I am doing. Lord, you created something amazing with my past and you are going to carry it from now on. You are going to lead me in this great adventure. I am so thankful. I am not angry anymore, because everything I've been through has led me to this moment, to these moments that we live for. This moment of gratitude. 

This isn't the end for me though. Everyday I learn more about what I want, and what kind of life that I want to create. I need a second wind to discover what that is everyday. 

To spend my life getting to know Him and His Word. To be defined by Him in every way. 

Lord, I am giving this life to you. I know that the things I want wouldn't mean anything without you. They are the result of a life that I want live in glorifying you. They are the way that I want to glorify you. And I also know that they won't take away the struggle of normal life. That is never gonna happen but I also know that it's my greatest life. I don't even deserve these dreams. Thank you Lord. Thank you my King. I love you. I love you with all my heart and I can't believe that I have these opportunities in my life. I am so blessed, I can't even contain it. 

I don't need to find my place in this world, I need to TAKE my place in this world.  

Amen

Moldable

Should I make this an annual blog? I'm just kidding. But based off my track record, I'm not kidding. Oops!

I really do love looking back after a year and seeing how God used situations and experiences to mold me into the person I am today. The key, I think, to moving forward is being moldable (maybe that isn't a word but I am sure you are catching my drift). Being teachable, and allowing God to work out His plan through you and me. I am amazed at the weaving He does in the tapestry of my life. The bright colors, the different textures, the story He is creating honestly takes my breath away. Does it always make sense? No. Is is easy? Not always. Do I sometimes struggle with trusting it will all work out? Yeah, to be honest...I do. But one thing I never doubt is His love and goodness for me. His goodness for you.

As a new chapter opens up in our lives, we can choose to see how scary and unfamiliar it might feel. Which could paralyze us, or we can (with effort sometimes) choose to take the steps forward with faith. Life is supposed to a big adventure, a journey that isn't meant to get us to a destination but to bring us closer to being like Christ. Life is God. Period. Try it. Take a deep breath. Now let it out. That is proof that you were created by a God that loves you. He wants you. He wants all of you. He wants all of me.

I'm in a season of transition. Choosing to exit out of the dance company, cultivating relationships, working on a growing organization and also learning to love myself the way that God does; unconditionally.

I'm Not For Everyone

I really connected with this quote this morning. I think so many times we try to be "perfect" for everyone. We are bothered when people don't like us, treat us badly or abandon us for no real reason. We think that in order to be "successful" in life we have to have EVERYONE like us and want to be our friend but that isn't reality. There are gonna be people that aren't gonna be your friend, you are going to watch people leave your life without any explanation. You might even get an explanation and it's going to hurt you deeply. You are going to have to get good at letting go of what isn't yours.

For a people-pleaser like myself and someone who just wants genuine friendship without drama or judgement...I find it easy to want to please people to the point of actually changing who I am in order to get them to stay in my life.

I've noticed myself grasping at friendships and relationships like they are the thing that keeps me alive. Yes, it hurts when people leave you. It is extremely painful to accept the reality that they don't want to be in your life anymore. I know these feelings all too well. The thing is though, we have a choice to make. We can allow those things and feelings to bring us down and cause us to stop on this journey of life or we can see that this is part of God's plan and process He is walking us through and be excited for the next chapter He has written. I think when we can learn to realize that we aren't for everyone. We can give our best to the ones that we are for. Impressing is exhausting and I'm done with it.

All I really need, is my God, a good cup of coffee, a positive attitude, a go-getter spirit and a joy that stands all trials.

"You might be the sweetest and juiciest peach, but some people just don't like peaches."

A Broken Girl To A Mighty God

Have you ever felt so much that it made you crazy? Do you ever get so overwhelmed that you feel like crying but you can't? I don't know...maybe it's just me. 

This feeling wasn't going away. I tried to shake it off, dance, listen to music, take a drive, go get coffee. That feeling continued to loom. Praying even seemed like it wasn't working. 

You know, being set apart for Christ isn't easy. Actually it's really really hard. The decisions are easy. You know what you are supposed to do, and what you know you shouldn't. But your heart, which is deceitful, sinful, desiring the flesh and what it wants, says something different then your spirit, which is pure, surrendered to the will of the Father and is constantly open to whatever He wants and desires for you. Those two things are always at odds with each other. 

Wrestling with God isn't easy, it's not fun and you for sure are fighting a losing battle because we all know Who is going to win. Then why do we still do it? Why do I still do it? 

I haven't posted in this blog in over a year. I honestly forgot I had it. In spite of that, I always find a huge release when I can get what I'm feeling out. So here I am, pouring my heart out. 

I'm mad. I'm mad at God for taking my brother at the age of 27. I'm mad that he couldn't get his life together, that he couldn't find freedom in Christ from his addictions. I'm mad that he will never see me get married, watch my kids grow up. I'm mad that I couldn't tell him how much I loved him. 

I'm struggling. I'm struggling to find my way through the mucking waters of finding myself. I'm struggling to find contentment being single and waiting. I'm struggling with being confident in my ability to live out my purpose and calling that God has made me for.  

I'm incredibly sad. I'm sad that people hurt, are stuck in their sin, that the amount of death by suicide and the staggering number of people that are depressed weighs my heart down like a million pound weight. I feel the darkness as I write this new show of Hope. I feel small and insignificant to be the one that God said I want you to put this together. 

I feel this massive hurricane in myself that pulls me in every direction. Part of me feels like everything is falling apart but falling into place at the same time. How do you get past this? How do you find hope, joy, peace, fulfillment? I wanna trust that He knows what He is doing, but right now I'm falling apart. 

The only hope I've ever found, have ever known, and continue to seek with all my heart is Jesus Christ. Just that name takes my breath away. The pain doesn't go away, the struggle is still there, and the tears don't stop flowing but I know that there is still hope, that one day the sky will not look so black and scary. That my tears will all be wiped away. I'm covered the grace and love of God Almighty. No matter how many skies fall down, I'm covered under the peace I've found. He is my shelter when there is no where else to go. No matter how many times I break, He is there to put a light inside me that shines through the cracks. I'm not hopeless, I am not forsaken, I am not abandoned. 

He isn't who He says He is because I believe, I believe because He is who He says He is. 

Lord, my heart hurts...and I don't understand. Grant me a peace that I can't describe. Slow my mind down and help me open my hands to you. Though I hold so tight to this life, I pray that you'd forgive me. Remind me who I am, remind me Who You Are, and wrap Your hands around me. I just need a really big God hug. 

A broken girl to a mighty God. I trust You. I believe You are faithful. You are good, even when I don't understand. Not for a moment, have you ever left me. 

Strength..Lord I need it!

I always find it interesting when I have a thought or memory that I haven't had for a long time and almost in an instant am brought back to the feelings, the timeline of my life when that memory happened. Sometimes they are good memories and some aren't so good.

This is a good memory...
With all the chaos of my life, I felt it might be nice to share my thoughts, my prayers and my walk as a Set Apart Girl on the journey of a lifetime with the ultimate Lover of my soul. Living everyday for Him is not always easy but hardly boring. I continue to find joy in the little things that He shows me daily as I stand in awe of the life I get to live. So with that, I went back to my old blog that I started what seems like forever ago. I honestly don't care if no one reads this, or if tons of people do..this is me and if maybe it helps someone on this process of life; I will love that.

Today I was reminded of the beauty of the human spirit. Looking into the eyes of a person who has been through a lot, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and still has a fighting spirit that can not be put down, is truly amazing. I desire so much to be the kind of woman that has the strength of God coursing through my veins. Sometimes I don't feel like that, it's more like a I'm borrowing the strength of God from someone else's time with Him. Though that too is powerful, it's not the same as getting it from Him myself.
Lord, I am weak. I am frail and my spirit has no strength in and of itself. Like a branch that sits by it's self, I can never truly become strong and grow without first connecting to the vine. You are the Vine that beckons me daily to cling to You. I'm sorry that I don't always listen and obey. Search my heart and know me as Your word says. I surrender my life and I am not my own..but to You I belong.

After a long day of dance classes, bible studies, costume orders, performance planning, and a stomach ache..I am ready to hit the hay..well actually I sleep on a bed! God has truly blessed me with a wonderful company of girls and families that continue to support the vision that He has placed in my heart and have allowed me access to their daughters to share my passions, what I'm learning and my desire to dance for Him! It's amazing to be a part of First Position!
The little girls have finally been able to do their dances by themselves and got their lift perfected in their ballet dance! These girls, only 2 months ago were saying there was no way they could lift a girl over their heads, but today they proved themselves wrong. It was pretty epic, you had to be there. ;)
The girls have been my troopers this year. With one student having a few injuries that have taken her out of dance for weeks..who is coming to class and dancing with a big boot on, to enemy attacks on girls in the area of their walk with God, and the struggle of surrendering junk that gets in the way of truly worshiping and serving Him. These girls have worked their butts off this year, and I'm not just talking physically but have developed and stretched their "reach muscle"..reaching for the things God has put in place for them and I couldn't be more proud.
We are now 4 weeks away from the show! Get ready, because it's gonna be epic!

Glory To Glory

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."
~ 2 Corinthians 3:18

Tonight while doing the dishes I got a chance to listen to one of my favorite motivational speaker. She named her talk, "Glory To Glory". She explained that life is not a pattern of success following by failure. It's not taking one step forward and two steps back. None of that is true.  It's about living every single day, in every situation with the mind set that everything is a glory. 

In 2012, I started First Position.... Glory. 

I started with 22 students, in my first season as a dance company....Glory.

Three months into starting, the place we were having practices had to do some remodeling and asked us to leave... Glory. 

One month after that, 4 students dropped out...Glory. 

September of 2013, we started a new season at First Position and we doubled in students...Glory! 

I've learned through this business that I can look at things as failure and successes or I can embrace God's glory in my life..and see that this too will make me who I am to be in the future. 

Ever had your heart broken by someone you loved? Glory. 

Have you ever gotten that promotion at work? Glory. 

That time you got a flat tire, or ran out of gas? Or your car wouldn't start? Glory. 

Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone, but knew they were going to a better place? Glory! 

Have you ever been rejected by someone? Glory. 

Glory to Glory to Glory to GLORY!  

In life, there are no mountain top and valley experiences. There are no tug of war between success and failure. Our life is a beautiful sequence of glory to glory. It takes time to see, all those things you look at as failures...they aren't you. You are not a failure, don't you see? It's just glory to glory. Success and failure are not an exclamation points. They are not who you are. It's about how you evaluate the things, when they go wrong. How am I going to evaluate this? Am I going to laugh at this? Am I going to be sad at this? Am I going to choose to have this glory mentality? 

Broken and Beautiful

It's an interesting feeling you get when you look back at your life and realize that it isn't they who have changed but you. Today marks the last year I will be a teen. Being 19 years old doesn't feel much different but when you look at the life I have lived, it all seems so bittersweet. If you told me a year ago, that I would go through the stuff I have, I would have sat and cried. I would have wished it away because there was so much that I and my family have had to go through in the last year. The song I keep listening to is “Broken (Beautiful) by Chris Sligh.

“Can we move on, can we move on..from the love we've left behind?
Can we move on , can we move on..from the love we will never find?
The world is broken, in so many pieces, but the brokenness is beautiful. It's beautiful. My heart is broken, by beauties mysteries but the brokenness is beautiful. It's beautiful.”

It makes me smile when I hear those words, because it is so true. It's in our brokenness that we are made beautiful because it isn't our own strength but God's that keeps us breathing. They always say that if you could do it over again, would you have gone through it all again. I can honestly say that I would. Not because it was all so pleasant but because of who I am today....

“We want to avoid suffering, death, sin, ashes. But we live in a world crushed and broken and torn, a world God Himself visited to redeem. We receive his poured-out life, and being allowed the high privilege of suffering with Him, may then pour ourselves out for others.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

What wonderful words. To suffer for the good of this world is a high privilege. To suffer with Christ. Being broken isn't a bad thing, because when we are broken, we can feed a multitude! Just like Jesus did.

I feel like spring right now. I want so badly to bloom flowers, and see myself grow from the rain, but the snow keeps coming. But just like the spring, we can bloom even in those snowy days.


So, today..I turn 19, and my life is gonna change just as it always does. “..Love mixed with pain, and hope raised again..” I look forward to what God is gonna do. Where He is gonna take me, and who He will bring into my life.
Goodbye 18, hello 19.